kefka, pixel.

Dull Rants.

Stuff that I felt like ranting about on the internet for whatever reason.

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I don't do stuff or anything.
kefka, pixel.
Okay, so I suddenly stopped posting in the middle fo a 30 day meme and haven't posted in over a month since. This can be taken as evidence of several character traits of mine, including a total lack of order and routine in day to day life (I have ludicrous order and routine in some things, but never mind), procrastination over things I actually enjoy and want to do, both topped off with a generous helping of general CBA. I wish I could say lots had been going on and I had a lot of work to do, but the truth is more that I have a shitload of work to do now, and since the more important tasks must be avoided all the smaller ones become procrastination material.

On the subject, next week on Thursday I have an essay and a full song transcription due in that I have no idea what I'm doing for. I should also be showing my composition tutor some mostly finished songs that are as of yet nearly totally unwritten. I should also probably be nearing the date of my live music project (LMP) in which I'm meant to put on a big event, when in fact the venue has yet to be booked, I don't know what bands are playing, etc etc etc - I have had all year to do this. I should also have just about finished my 40 hours of work based learning (WBL) and be considering writing up my reflective essay on it, when I have yet to even decide what I'm doing for it - I have had all year AND all of last year to do this. WHAT IN GODS NAME IS WRONG WITH ME. Next term, when it actually gets very exam heavy, I may actually die.

This general failure wouldn't be so bad if I'd been spending the time being productive at least in some way. Have I been practising the bass? Putting in effort to push my band forward? Researching and revising? No, I don't think I've done a single one of those things once. Even that wouldn't be so bad if at some point I'd actually done SOMETHING. Did I get something done with the RPG system I was aiming to make? Did I put effort into finding a house for next year? Have I been working to earn money? Have I been attending the Muay Thai classes I wanted to go to and continuing my fitness regime? Christ, have I even tidied my room?!? No, not one of those things, no not once. I have done fuck all.

And if only, if only this was a new problem with some sign of being temporary. But no, it seems I'm just about unable to actually devote any real time and effort to anything, whether it be education, work or leisure. I feel quite ridiculous any time I start trying to do something now; I failed at learning Japanese, I never managed to get a warhammer army together, I never learned to use Flash or RPG Maker XP, I never learned to draw, I never used my eight-track to actually write and record any songs, and I sure as fuck never made homebrew mead. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things. I've not even managed to finish a videogame in a very long time. I really do wish I knew why. I would very much like to be able to actually have some reason to be proud of myself for something, and somehow just hanging around not doing anything and generally getting relatively good grades just isn't something I feel proud of. I want to set a goal and achieve it.

But every time I think of doing something in some project I've started, or something I've been asked to do, I immediately feel this absolutely massive impending dread that pretty much eradicates almost all my thought process, which is hardly conducive to putting work into anything, particularly creative projects. I try working through it, and it just doesn't happen; something doesn't fit. Things like essays that absolutely need to be done, like essays, normally get finished the night before they're due in, and to a level rather a way below what I like to think I could achieve. To be honest, though, I'm almost more concerned about how it affects things I want to do, things I enjoy. Obviously with essays, if you hate essay writing you might procrastinate a little, but I go to massive effort to avoid doing things that I'm pretty sure I enjoy. It utterly baffles me. I find myself highly unliekly to do well in life, or be truly satisfied and content with myself until I can at least make my own decisions, if that makes sense. But anyway.

In slightly better news, the deadline for the BIMM album (basically an album handed around among those interested as a showcase of successful BIMM bands) submissions was on Friday, and Mikey decided to ring our usual studio to see if we could record our rehearsal on Thursday night (in the hopes that we could just submit a bit of rehearsal recording). Funnily enough, the changed our rehearsal time to actual studio recording time for no extra charge, with a volunteer producer and everything. We got a pretty good recording out of it too - I'll try and post it here once it's uploaded somewhere. As always seems to happen with these things, the producer decided he liked the bass takes where I made mistakes (there were ones when I didn't) and Dave's solo take when it was just quite good (there were ones where it was actually awesome). He also put shitloads of double-tracking and reverb on Eva's vocal, far more than I would have done. Her voice is pretty powerful, and that much effect on it just makes it sound weird - those techniques are more effective for 'beefing up' a slightly weedy vocal if you ask me. Never mind, though, it's still definitely very good given the price/circumstances/rush. It was also good to see Eva being really confident again after some BIMM judges layed into her for apparently being VERY out of tune in an audition. It was also interesting to hear Dave and Mikey telling me to stop jumping around so much when I play. Funny shit.

Also quite recently, I went up to see Reuben in London, which was nice. We basically just hung around eating snacks and playing videogames and chatting and stuff, but it was good to see where he's living and stuff. On the way back though, I wanted to leave in very good time to catch my train, but Reuben kept talking about how I'd be hanging around in Victoria for ages getting really bored, so I listened to him and went when we were all ready, about 30 minutes later than planned. Ended up turning up 15 minutes late for my £7.50 advance single, and had to pay another £21 just to get home. MOST DISPLEASED.

Upon getting back I spent the next day and half helping Anya guide her American LJ friend and a friend of said American LJ friend around Brighton. HEAVILY AWKWARD, mainly because of the intense embarassment involved with consistently leading them around on utter failures of missions and generally not really showing them a good time in a city where you normally have to go to effort to avoid it. I suppose that's a Sunday for you :/

And finally, I apologise again for my sporadic posting habits. Does anyone read through all of these, anyway? I imagine reading through the dull walls of text I generate must be like trying to swim through a thick black sludge with no real reward at the end. I wouldn't know, as I never read my own entries, I just write in a semi-stream of consciousness type way. Oh, I may do a video entry at some point if... well, if I do. Bear in mind that such a video may be dull on truly insane levels, though.

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(I do read through your entries in their entirety, because I find glimpses into other people's lives fascinating, although if no one else does, I will feel a bit of a stalker. Um.)

I really feel you on the not doing anything at all thing. I went to about six actual lessons this semester and had to withdraw from all my classes last week so I would get a W instead of a fail. And in the meantime I did absolutely nothing. I wish I wanted to do something.

But good luck with your schooling! Maybe you'll be hit with some sudden inspiration.

Well I think one or two other people read through my entries, but feel free to actually stalk me. I've wanted a stalker for years, but I'm just not famous (or an atractive woman) on quite the requisite level.

Why so little attendance? I normally turn up to lessons (albeit massively late), because it's something that doesn't really require anything of me - I just have to walk somewhere. Somehow, that never requires any levels of motivation from me and I just run on auto-pilot. But other than that, yeah, we're sounding pretty similar.

And thanks much, I certainly hope I will. How've you been, anyway?

Chill ooooooout. Just because you don't do any of these structured things doesn't mean you don't do anything at all. You spend a great deal of time learning things just out of interest and as such have a huge general knowledge. So you just need to stop working yourself up about it, you know it only makes you worse.

I think we did okay showing them round considering the complete lack of things to do on Sundays. They enjoyed the sights and the Booth museum and the like. The fish and chips fiasco though... :S

I don't really spend time learning about things out of interest so much as I just remember information that happens to pop up in day to day life while I'm refreshing FB and chatting to people and stuff. If I actually had a go at researching stuff a bit more I'd probably feel a bit better about it :/. And you're probably right about it making me worse on some level, but I don't get 'round to doing anything anyway, so I'm not sure it'll really make any practical difference.

And yes, the fish and chips fiasco. Let us never talk of it again.

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